First blog post

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They say that relapse happens way before you pick up that first drug, that there are a series of events that lead up to the relapse. Thinking back to my relapse, there were a series of events that lead up to my worst nightmare, this relapse was the worst of the worst. December 30th 2016 is when my whole world got turned upside down. I had just taken my six month token a couple weeks before the relapse happened. There were series of events leading up to the relapse, I had stopped taking my medication for my mental illness, and when people asked me why I stopped taking my medication, and my response every time was, “I’m trying to handle my mental illness on my own, without medication because I can handle it.” But who was I kidding, I was planning my relapse. I had stopped talking to my sponsor, going to meetings but not paying attention, and so on. On December 30th 2016, I had woken up, and I knew I was going to get high that day, I had talked to someone I met on a social media app, and was planning on meeting up with them. My dad was home that day, what in the world would I tell him where I’m going this early in the morning. Screw it, I’m not going to tell him anything, so I bolted out the door, got in my car, sat there for a minute and thought, “should i do this” looked at my gas tank and saw that I had a fourth of a tank, and drove thirty minutes away, towards the Mexico border. I arrived at this person house, nervous because I had no idea what I was getting myself into because I had never met the person until now. I knocked on their apartment door, they opened the door, and I went in. The person lead me to their room, we sat on the bed, and that’s when it all began. I took a hit of the pipe, and immediately fell back in love with my drug of choice which was meth. We spent hours hitting the pipe, and smoking out of homemade water bongs. I didn’t know when to stop and finally reached a point where I couldn’t hit the pipe anymore because I was so gone. Then things got weird, the person started to become really sketchy, and was one of those people who when they got high, all they did was talk talk talk, so i began trying to think of ways I could get out of there, so I came up with an excuse, the person gave me some to take home, and finally I did. I walked back to my truck and sat there for a few minutes, thinking what on earth did I just do? I most definitely shouldn’t be driving right now, and how the hell am I going to make it home? I began driving heading home, knowing I shouldn’t be driving, and being scared shitless, because not only was I not in the right headspace to drive, I had a lot of meth on me as well. I got on the freeway, and as i’m getting on the freeway, I almost get hit by a semi truck, thats when I started really panicking, because not only was I scared to drive, I’m on empty not knowing if I’m going to make it home, so I make that dreaded phone call to my boyfriend, explaining to him what happened, and he told me to meet him at his work, I knew there was no way I could make it to his work on empty, so I drove to a gas station that was about ten minutes away from my house, and sat there. I called my boyfriend back, and told him exactly where I was, and he immediately left work, and was on his way to meet me. As I was sitting there, I was convincing myself not to use, I had meth and a pipe on me, and wanted to spin that pipe while I waited for my boyfriend to come meet me. I’m sitting there panicking, and telling myself not to use because I was already spun out to the max, I was sweaty, my face was definitely picked off, and my eyes were blood shot, and I knew I couldn’t risk getting arrested for smoking in public, finally my boyfriend and someone else from the program who had multiple years of recovery got to the gas station. I was immediately felt ashamed of myself, started beating myself up because I knew better, but there was no way I could change it. My boyfriend went into the gas station to get me something to eat, and some gatorade, while I talked to the person who had multiple years of recovery. He asked me the dreaded question, “do you have any on you” at first I lied, because I didn’t want to give up what I had, and they asked me again, and I lied again, they finally asked me one last time, and I reached under my seat, grabbed the makeup bag that had the dope in it, and gave the person all the dope I had, they smiled and said thank you, and walked over to the trash can, to throw it away. I’m thinking in my head, if i can keep the pipe, I could smoke that when I get home. But my boyfriend came back to the car, handed me two gatorades and something to eat, and asked me if I had anything else on me, I lied and said no, and he asked me again, I felt bad for lying to him, so I grabbed the makeup bag again, pulled out a sock where the pipe was inside, and handed it to him, he smashed the pipe in the sock and threw it away. Now, my boyfriend had almost two years clean at the time, so it was a big step for him to be able to do that for me. The person who had multiple years of recovery, had left at this time, and it was just me and my boyfriend left at the gas station. He told me to get into the passenger seat, I got out of the car, looked at him, and told him how sorry I was, and how guilty and ashamed I felt. He looked at me with disappointment, he saw it in my eyes how ashamed and guilty I was, but he also saw my blown out pupils. He told me to call my sponsor and let her know I relapse. Now, granted, I hadn’t spoken to my sponsor in probably a month. So I called her, told her, and listen to her lecture me, and tell me that I’m not ready for recovery, because I can’t give up the drugs and need to make a decision. My boyfriend drove my truck to a gas pump, put gas in my car, and told me it was time to call my dad and let him know that not only had I relapsed, but that I was in no shape to drive. I called my dad, and told him. I could tell he was disappointed in me, but agreed that it wasn’t safe for me to drive, and allowed my boyfriend to drive. We left the gas station, and the drive to his grandmas house was dead silent, I didn’t know what to say, beside apologizing for what I did, but I knew I could only do that for so much. We got to his grandmas house, we walked into his grandmas house, and I immediately bolted to the bedroom. His grandma and aunt were suspicious of what was going on, and so my boyfriend explained to them what happened, and that we came over so I could clean up before going to a meeting. I got in the shower, and stood there, thinking to myself, am I going to be able stay clean, after this horrible relapse. I finally got out of the shower after cleaning up and realized, that I didn’t have a change of clothes, so I put on my sweaty clothes, and walked back into the bedroom. My boyfriend and I talked, and he let me borrow a shirt of his aunts. We finally went to a meeting, granted I’m still high, but not as high as I was at the gas station. I looked at myself in the mirror before getting out of the truck, and thought, holy shit, I look horrible. My eyes were still blood shot, my face was still picked off, and it definitely looked like I had used today. Finally getting out of the car, my boyfriend and I walked into the meeting and sat down. It was very apparent to everyone that I had relapsed, my sponsor was there as moral support, because it was time to take the walk of shame and collect a white token. The leader announced “is there any newcomers” at first, I didn’t want to walk up there, but a nudge from my sponsor and boyfriend, I got up and walked to get my first white token after being clean for six months. Everyone was shocked, because they thought I was doing so good. I only lasted in the meeting for a little bit, before asking my boyfriend for the keys, and a cig. I walked out of the meeting, walked straight to my car, stood outside of my car and smoked the cigeratte that my boyfriend gave me. I unlocked the car, got in, and immediately started crying, because of how ashamed I was of myself, and how bad I messed up. While sitting in the car, my dad texted me and asked if my boyfriend and I could come to my house and talk. I had told everyone that it was best for me to go back to treatment, and was considering that option, but that wasn’t in the plans. My boyfriend finally got in the car, and we drove to my house. We pulled up and parked, and it took me a second to get out of the car, but I got out of the car, and walked into my house, and the look on my parents face was disappointment, that I had let them down. I told them that I think it’s good to go back to treatment, and told them I would do some research on treatment centers. I went upstairs to my room, found a change of clothes, grabbed what I needed and went back downstairs. I told my parents that I was staying at my boyfriends house, so that I don’t go back out and use. We left my house, and began driving to his house, we ended up stopping at Denny’s and meeting up with other recovering addicts. They all new I had relapsed, and wanted to make sure I was okay. One of the recovering addicts who had multiple years of recovery, bought my dinner. I sat there, still high, but not as high as I was, and began trying to eat. I was miserable, I couldn’t eat because my jaw hurt so bad because I apparently had been grinding my teeth, and I wasn’t hungry so I was forcing food down my throat. I didn’t want to be rude by not eating, so I began to try and eat. I managed to get half my food down my throat before I couldn’t take it anymore. We left, and continued to my boyfriends house. We got there, and I went straight to his room. He pulled his mom aside and told her everything that happened, and she let me stay, but told my boyfriend not to tell his dad. So we laid down, and he fell asleep, but I laid there wide awake, my mind was racing, but I decided that I would force myself to sleep, and ended up getting somewhat sleep. The next day was the worst, the comedown was horrible, the cravings started kicking in, and all that was on my mind was how bad I wanted to get high. We ended up going to a meeting that night, and I announced myself as a newcomer, and everyone welcomed me back, I shared about how I was struggling to stay clean after my relapse. I ended up staying the night at my boyfriends house again, because he wanted to make sure I didn’t go out and use. We again went to a meeting the next night, where I collected another newcomer token and shared about how I was struggling to stay clean. Monday came around, and I was back home, and that’s when everything got turned upside down. I was craving really bad, and decided, screw this I’m going to use. I found someone on the internet, scammed them into giving me free dope without having to hook up with them, and met up with them, and they gave me some dope, and I went back to my house. I realized that I didn’t have a pipe, so with the five dollars that I randomly found in my car, I went and bought a pipe and drove home.  I went upstairs to my room, packed the pipe and began smoking. I fell in love instantly, and could not stop spinning the pipe. I knew I had to stop a couple hours before my boyfriend gets off work, because I was going to pick him up, and we were going to a meeting. I stopped spinning the pipe a couple hours before leaving. I immediately got ready, looked in the mirror and saw that my pupils were huge. In my mind, I thought to myself, how the hell am I going to pull this off. I left my house, after spending majority of the day in my room spinning the pipe, and drove to meet up with my boyfriend. Luckily, it was still light out, so I could pull off wearing sunglasses, we met up, and drove to a meeting that night. And thats where it all began, we walked into the meeting, sat down, and I announced myself as a newcomer, in my mind, I thought, I’m technically a newcomer, so I can still take a white tag. And that’s what I did. In my mind that whole meeting, I was thinking about how when I get home, I’m able to get high. And that’s when my addiction grabbed me and wrapped me around their finger. I dropped my boyfriend off, got home, ran into my room, turned on a movie, and got everything I need out, I lit a candle so I could use that to light the lighter without the clicking, because I had to hide the fact that I was getting high in my room. I took that first hit, and was in heaven. I spent hours spinning the pipe, when it hit midnight, I turned my light off, kept my tv on but on low, and made it seem like I was asleep, but continued to spin the pipe, and finally 2am rolled around, that’s when I put the pipe down, put everything away, blew out the candle, and decided I was doing for the night. I laid down in bed, and played on my phone all night long and suddenly came up with a idea to make a tumblr about my drug use, but just not post anything about me, no pictures, so that if anyone I knew came across it, wouldn’t know it was me, so I could meet other people who were doing meth, and find people in my area to scam and get free dope off of without having to sell my body. When, it was time for my parents to get up and get ready to go to work, I laid silently in my bed, trying to make it seem like I was asleep. I finally tried to force myself to go to sleep, I got a couple hours of sleep, and woke up. My first thought was about spinning the pipe. I waited for my mom to leave for work, and pulled everything out, and did the same thing. A couple days later, I ran out of dope. I was frantic, because I hadn’t really came down, I didn’t let myself, I always just kept getting high. So, I began try to find people on tumblr who lived in my area, and just my luck, I found someone, I began talking to them, telling them this story to try and get them to give me some dope for free, and it worked. The person told me that they would help me out and we set up a time and place to meet. Not knowing what would happen, I went to meet up with this person, who happened to be this forty year old mexican, he ended up hooking me up fat with dope, and i went on my way. I knew this was going to be my go to person. I got home, went up to my room, packed a small bowl, and began spinning the pipe. That’s literally all I did, sit in my room, have a movie on in the backround, get stuck on the computer, scrolling through social media sites, and spinning that pipe. I would go to meetings with my boyfriend, because I didn’t want him to get suspicious of why I’m not going to meetings. I went to a meeting and someone pulled me aside, they asked me if I was loaded, and i panicked and said No not at all,  but they weren’t stupid, they knew exactly what I was doing. A week went by, and I became so isolated, all I did was sit in my room and spin the pipe, I barely talked to anyone, unless it was someone else who was getting loaded, or sending snapchat pictures of me blowing smoke to others, who would do the same thing. Going into week two, and people began getting suspicious. I was slowly not caring about if people knew or not, and became sloppy with hiding my using. One night, I met up with someone I had met online to smoke with, I met them at their hotel, and they ended up not having much. so we smoked what they had, and they began hitting people up for more. He ended up inviting two others over, a women and a male, the women was definitely spun out. She pulled out her pipe, handed it to me, and said smoke as much as you want. How could I deny that offer, so that’s what I did. She gave the other person some to put into their pipe. She ended up getting in the shower, spent who knows how long in there, and finally got out, and she reached into her purse and pulled out tin foil with smoked heroin on it, she passed it to the two other people, and when it got to me, i pretended to smoke some, because I’ve never been a fan of heroin. I had told my mom that I was staying the night with a friend, and ended up staying at the hotel with these people, who granted, I barely knew. I hit up the dude that hooked me up with dope, and asked him if I could possible pick up more, and he agreed and told me to meet him at his house, granted it was like 1 or 2am, but I didn’t care. The girl said we could take her car, after I said I couldn’t drive mine very far because the check engine was on, which wasn’t a lie. We got into her car, and she smoked some heroin before driving, which I knew was probably a bad thing, but she wanted to drive. So we began driving on the freeway, and she started nodding out, I kept having to grab the wheel, and she would wake up, she nodded out again, and if I hadnt of grabbed the wheel, we would of hit the side of the freeway, and probably die. So I convinced her that I was going to drive, and we got off the freeway, and stopped at a jack in the box, she ordered food for us, we sat there and ate, well I tried to eat. We finally switched, and she then informed me that her brake lights were out. Great, im thinking, this is going to be fun. So I began driving, and finally made it to the guys house. She was asleep in the front seat, and I talked to the guy for a couple minutes, he gave me an eight ball, and we headed back to the hotel. We arrived, and I had the dude she came with park the car, because the parking spots were so small, I didn’t want to scratch her car. I walked upstairs, and started to think, i gotta be smart about this, i’m not about to share this, because this is alot of dope, but I will contribute a little to this smoking session. I had the guy weigh it out and put it in a little jar, I gave them enough to pack their bowls, I packed my pipe, and put the rest away, and wasn’t taking it out again. I smoked until 7am, before deciding okay time to quit. I thought, my mom leaves for work around 8:30, so I can leave here at 8:20 and get there when shes not home, so she doesn’t have to see me, because I had not showered, and definitely looked like I didn’t sleep. I gave the dude a ride to work, which ironically was right by my house, and made my way home. I got home and the coast was clear. I walked in, walked to my room, and hid everything while I was in the shower. I got out of the shower, went into my room, and contemplating smoking again. At this point, I was smoking against my will, my addiction had me full force. I got dressed, sat in bed, got everything out, and started spinning the pipe once more. Now, during this time, I was still going to meeting, and still taking newcomer tokens, but lying to everyone saying I was clean.  The month of Jan, came rolling around. This was the month of the big move my family had planned. But first, on Jan. 10th, We got the news that changed our whole family. I had probably slept maybe two hours, when I heard my dad screaming and crying on the phone, I sat up and listened more, then the words hit, my cousin had killed himself. I was in shock, I thought I was dreaming, I walked out of my room, and asked my mom what was going on, she grabbed me and my brother, and pulled us into the office, and explained what happened, and my dad immediately walked out the door and drove to his brothers house to comfort them. I went into my room, and the first thing I thought to do was spin the pipe, but for some reason, I decided to call my sponsor at the time, and told her about it, and texted all my sponsee sisters and told them what was going on. Finally, I got off the phone with my sponsor, and thought to myself, do I really want to get high right now, my cousin had just died. But the voice of addiction was loud and clear in my head, and I picked up the pipe and started spinning. I hated myself, because look what I have become, i’m sitting in my room, getting loaded after finding out the horrible news. wouldn’t you think that maybe losing my cousin, who I hadn’t of seen or talked too in about a year, maybe a year and a half, would be the wake up call that I needed to come clean, nope, apparently not, i’m becoming a monster. I decided that I was going to go to a meeting, maybe two meetings, even tho I was loaded. I got stuck spinning the pipe that I missed my first meeting, so I told myself, alright, I’m going to the second meeting tonight. I finally put the pipe down a couple hours before getting ready to go, and got up to get ready. I looked in the mirror, and stared at myself, and for a minute, I could hardly recognize myself. My face was sucked up, and picked off. I looked miserable, dead inside, sleep deprived, pale, and looking like I haven’t eaten in a while, which was true, I don’t know when the last time I eat was, maybe sometime small here and there, and maybe a bottle of water a day. I was slowly killing myself, I hadn’t come down in who knows how long, or did i even come down? I was in pain, I was hurting everyone around me, but did that stop me, not at all. I went to a meeting that night, and shared about my cousins death, and people came up to me and mentioned how sorry they were, and that they were there for me. I immediately wanted to get home and pack a bowl, and start smoking. That’s all that was on my mind, the thought never left from my relapse that started all this. I got home, and once again, packed my pipe and began spinning it. At this point in time, my parents had a feeling I was getting high, they started distancing themselves from me. Who could blame them, I was useless. All I could do was sit in my room, and spin a pipe all day long. I would spin the pipe until I went over my limit and was spun the fuck out. the sweat starting to happen, my pupils were the size of my eyes, I couldn’t stop focusing on my computer, scrolling through things, sitting webpages, talking to other people who were high, sending them snapchats. I knew, i needed to put the pipe down, so I did, I put it away under my pillow, like how sad is that? I had my makeup bag with my pipe and everything in it, underneath my pillow, so i wouldn’t have to get out of bed. I was pathetic, I was a walking ghost, but that didn’t stop me, I continued to spin the pipe, day in and day out. Maybe “sleeping” two hours every two or three days, barely eating, barely drinking water, I was a mess. But, that didn’t stop me either, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was so deep into my addiction, that I couldn’t put down the pipe, even if I tried. The big day finally came, it was time to start packing and moving out of our house and into our new house. I started packing, but as i’m packing the only thing that crossed my mind was, spinning the pipe. So I’d pack a little bit, take a break and spin the pipe for a little bit, then do that for a while. The next day, was insane to say the least, everything hit me all at once, I would no longer be living in this room that I’ve lived in for seventeen years, this was the room where my active addiction took place, and everything else inbetween. Thats when I knew, the only thing I could do to cope with this was to spin that pipe. I had a little bit of dope left, I had dope in the pipe left, so I decided that tomorrow would be my last day of smoking